Why do I do things the way I do?
Why is it that I know what I need to do to feel better but I carry on doing the things that I know make me feel worse?
Stalking my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend on Facebook is not helpful. And it makes me feel rubbish. And causes me to think sinful thoughts. So surely you'd think I'd stop doing it? Yet, I get consumed by it - it's like an addiction. I compare myself with her, I wonder about all sorts of things that they'll be talking about/getting up to, I feel a selfish anger and bitterness about the whole thing.
In light of the news that my ex-boyfriend has moved on and found "my replacement", the best thing for me to do is to draw closer to God & lean on Him completely. He generousily invites me to cast all my anxieties onto Him, to give Him my burdens, to power on because HE gives me strength - only HE can restore me and He wants what is best for me - and yet, I shove it back in His face so that I can carry on doing the things that make me feel worse. Where is the sense in that?
I am a wretched fool.
Lord, thank You that You still love me, even though I ignore You & the offer of the best life with You. I'm sorry that I'm so swayed by things of evil. Please keep me close to you. I want to walk in step with you every minute of every day. Change my heart. Give me strength. Oh, Lord, You are so merciful to me!
Saturday, 17 September 2011
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Things I've been learning lately.
1. Keep persevering with prayer. Be more patient for God to answer. It is not wrong to persistently pray for something. God's timing is perfect. He may not answer when we want Him to, but He knows what He is doing. Trust him in this.
2. Part of being a child of God means that God WILL call us into the desert for a season (perhaps, repeatedly). The desert is a place where I will grow in Him more than I would otherwise. Being in the desert place is not a direct correlation with my sin.
3. Everyday, pray that God would break my heart for what breaks His so that I love people and see them more like God does. This especially is true for people I find harder to love.
4. Stop thinking individualistically. It's not about me. Think about how I can contribute to and build up His Church so that together we can "reclaim the world for His glory".
5. Do not look down on other Christians (or anyone for that matter) because they're not living a life that is pleasing to God. Instead, recognise that I am also a sinner - the biggest of them all and in light of that, love them, understand God loves them more and rebuke them in love if necessary.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Identity.
My identity in Christ is...
- I am utterly helpless, a sinner BUT dearly loved and saved. I am right in God's sight and have been reconciled to God through Christ. (Romans 5 v 5-11: "And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.")
- I have been freed from my sinful nature. I am an heir of God, a co-heir with Christ, adopted, loved by the Spirit of God, a child of God. I am not a slave to fear. I will be glorified with Christ and will share in His sufferings. (Romans 8 v 12-17: "Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are childrenof God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.")
- I will be like Christ. I am born of God, lavished with love, righteous, purified, hopeful, confident and unashamed of Christ. (1 John 2 v 28 - 3 v 3: "And now, dear children, remain in fellowship with Christ so that when he returns, you will be full of courage and not shrink back from him in shame. Since we know that Christ is righteous, we also know that all who do what is right are God’s children. See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know him. Dear friends, we are already God’s children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is. And all who have this eager expectation will keep themselves pure, just as he is pure.")
- I will live forever! (John 11 v 25-27: "Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.")
- I am called by God. I am united in the body, so I am not alone. The Spirit binds us together with peace. (Ephesians 4 v 1-6: "Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all.")
- I am ransomed, redeemed, crowned with everlasting joy, filled with gladness. (Isaiah 35 v 8-10: "And a great road will go through that once deserted land. It will be named the Highway of Holiness. Evil-minded people will never travel on it. It will be only for those who walk in God’s ways; fools will never walk there. Lions will not lurk along its course, nor any other ferocious beasts. There will be no other dangers. Only the redeemed will walk on it. Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.")
- I am in partnership with God and other people. I am intimately known by God. I am an ambassador of God, telling Christ's message and not my own. I feel compelled to tell others about Jesus. I am a new creation. My sins are not counted against me. I have become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5 v 11 - 6 v 2: too long to write out but look it up!)
- I am chosen, holy, royal. I am God's treasured possession. I have been called into His wonderful light. I have received mercy. (1 Peter 2 v 9-10: "But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. “Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God’s people. Once you received no mercy; now you have received God’s mercy.”")
- I am loved by the Father and kept in the safe care of Jesus. (Jude 1v1: "I am writing to all who have been called by God the Father, who loves you and keeps you safe in the care of Jesus Christ.")
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
PDA.
This is going to be a little off-topic compared to my normal posts, but as some of my friends know, this is something I feel strongly about so I thought I'd have a little rant about it on here. I know as well that I'm very extreme with my views on this so please look at this light-heartedly and feel free to disagree! I also just want to say before I start, that I'm not just having these views as a single woman, but I felt just as strongly about this when I was in a relationship.
The issue:
PDA (Public Displays of Affection)
I really feel (and I will definitely apply this in my own future relationship with a guy) that when a couple are coming together to meet friends, they have chosen to spend that time with their friends as well as each other. Therefore, sitting on each other's laps, kissing, holding hands, having their own private conversations - I just think that that is disgusting for everybody else to see and it's just massively inappropriate. I can understand, especially if the relationship is pretty new, that the couple may feel they want to always be touching each other or whatever; however, if they could just take a step-back for a minute and imagine what it's like for all the single people in the room, or the girls whose boyfriends are not there, to see their PDAs being rubbed in their faces and how they would feel about that. Unhelpful. And just a bit rude, really. I know that PDA couples don't mean to hurt other people but sometimes if they could just employ a bit of empathy, then they would avoid this altogether. Moreover, if the couple are glued together at the hip all the time, they are not developing their friendships with other people in the room - they are not giving up their time to solely listen to other friends. The group dynamics work out that the rest of the room refer to the couple that are sitting so close together that they look like one person as just that: one inseperable being. The individuals within this PDA couple are not being known for who they are. We all have seperate identities, we are all unique - I want to know both these people as individuals and not think of them as "oh that's just so-and-so's boyfriend/girlfriend".
Of course, there are some times when PDAs are more appropriate than others. For example, if a couple was on a double date, or in a room full of couples, then that might be acceptable to hold hands or give the occasional quick kiss to my other half, but I still think I'd prefer to speak to all the members of the group and get to know them as individuals. Similarly, if I was meeting my boyfriend's friends for the first time, then I might appreciate sitting/standing next to him although I hope that I'd be able to seperate from him quickly and hold my own in the room, so that his friends could know me for who I am and not just think of me as just their mate's girlfriend.
I recently went on a coastal walk along the South Devon coast from Lympstone Village to Topsham (it's beautiful if you're ever in the area). I was going to go with my two male friends, when at the last minute they both brought their girlfriends. I thought it'd be fine. And one of the couples in particular were really aware of how I might feel a bit of a fifth wheel and were good at allowing me to talk to them a bit. The other couple however... I didn't see them at all - it was like they were on their own private walk, even when I turned to try and talk to them they didn't make it easy to do that to do at all. I didn't get to know this friend's girlfriend at all because they only had eyes for each other. It was unbelievable.
Anyway, I probably sound very angry in this post - sorry about that...I just feel strongly about this!
The issue:
PDA (Public Displays of Affection)
I really feel (and I will definitely apply this in my own future relationship with a guy) that when a couple are coming together to meet friends, they have chosen to spend that time with their friends as well as each other. Therefore, sitting on each other's laps, kissing, holding hands, having their own private conversations - I just think that that is disgusting for everybody else to see and it's just massively inappropriate. I can understand, especially if the relationship is pretty new, that the couple may feel they want to always be touching each other or whatever; however, if they could just take a step-back for a minute and imagine what it's like for all the single people in the room, or the girls whose boyfriends are not there, to see their PDAs being rubbed in their faces and how they would feel about that. Unhelpful. And just a bit rude, really. I know that PDA couples don't mean to hurt other people but sometimes if they could just employ a bit of empathy, then they would avoid this altogether. Moreover, if the couple are glued together at the hip all the time, they are not developing their friendships with other people in the room - they are not giving up their time to solely listen to other friends. The group dynamics work out that the rest of the room refer to the couple that are sitting so close together that they look like one person as just that: one inseperable being. The individuals within this PDA couple are not being known for who they are. We all have seperate identities, we are all unique - I want to know both these people as individuals and not think of them as "oh that's just so-and-so's boyfriend/girlfriend".
Of course, there are some times when PDAs are more appropriate than others. For example, if a couple was on a double date, or in a room full of couples, then that might be acceptable to hold hands or give the occasional quick kiss to my other half, but I still think I'd prefer to speak to all the members of the group and get to know them as individuals. Similarly, if I was meeting my boyfriend's friends for the first time, then I might appreciate sitting/standing next to him although I hope that I'd be able to seperate from him quickly and hold my own in the room, so that his friends could know me for who I am and not just think of me as just their mate's girlfriend.
I recently went on a coastal walk along the South Devon coast from Lympstone Village to Topsham (it's beautiful if you're ever in the area). I was going to go with my two male friends, when at the last minute they both brought their girlfriends. I thought it'd be fine. And one of the couples in particular were really aware of how I might feel a bit of a fifth wheel and were good at allowing me to talk to them a bit. The other couple however... I didn't see them at all - it was like they were on their own private walk, even when I turned to try and talk to them they didn't make it easy to do that to do at all. I didn't get to know this friend's girlfriend at all because they only had eyes for each other. It was unbelievable.
Anyway, I probably sound very angry in this post - sorry about that...I just feel strongly about this!
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Role-play.
As you may have guessed from previous posts, I often think about romantic relationships. I look forward to a time when I will be meeting my husband-to-be. Being recently single, obviously I am nowhere near ready for anything right now, but I often wonder what it will be like when I meet my husband, if that is God's will, and how God wants romantic relationships to be like.
I wanted to write this post at this point in my life, from the position of being single with no interest in any other man and, as far as I know (!), no interest from any other man. I know myself; I am easily swept up in this whirlwind of what I think is love because I am flattered by the attentions of men, but by writing this now, when my judgement is not clouded by any man (although perhaps I will include helpful insights from the experience I have from the relationship with my ex), I can be clear with myself about what this future relationship should look like.
I think it is important to make the distinction between the role of men and women within marriage and their roles before marriage. I do genuinely think roles change when two people get married. Genesis 2v24 says: "...a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." Ideally, before a couple are married, it is understandable and correct that they should seek advice and security from their parents rather than from each other. For me, this also means that if I was going out with someone, my family would be my priority above the guy; however, once I was married, my priorities change and I become a new family with my husband and he is prioritised above my parents. So, the model of relationship that I will talk about from now on is my idea of what marriage will look like, and whilst a lot of this stuff can be displayed in a pre-marital relationship, not all of it can be expected until marriage.
Firstly, what is marriage? What is the point in marriage at all? I am still constantly surprised when watching films or talking to friends about the world's view on marriage. In this day and age, it seems that marriage is just viewed as 'the next step' of an existing relationship, or just a traditional thing to do, or even just an excuse to have a big wedding day party. I am so glad that marriage is so much more than that, otherwise there isn't much point getting married. Ephesians 5v32 says that marriage "is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." We, the church, are the bride of Christ. In a marriage, the man is symbolic (but not the same as) Christ and the woman is symbolic of the church. Marriage is an amazing picture of how Christ loves us and our relationship with him now. By getting married, we glorify God and show his love to the world. Moreover, marriage is the (only...) place for sex where "two are united into one". God has given us sex as a gift to be enjoyed as it pleasures us and fulfills our sexual desires. I am looking forward to having sex one day as I've heard good reviews about it (ha!) and I know it is pleasing to God to have sex within a married relationship - to be intimate like that with someone who solely loves ME like I hope my husband will and who I love is going to be amazing. Obviously, this implies my views on sex outside of marriage - where I think the Bible is pretty clear that it's a no go. By bringing aspects of a married relationship into a pre-marital relationship, I can begin to see how marriage has lost its significance in our society today. I know that my "no sex outside of marriage" stance is very controversial in our world, but I stand by it as I believe this is biblical. However, of course, it is easy to get caught up in the moment - there have been many times when I've wanted to compromise my views on this and have sex before marriage. I can completely understand and relate to how people stumble with this - I'm so grateful that we serve a forgiving God - "Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgive them all" (Psalm 65v3).
As a woman myself, I'm mainly going to look at the role of women in a married relationship. I know that there is a lot of controversy surrounding this as the Bible seems to be suggesting that women are not equal in a relationship. I would argue that the Bible does suggest that men and women ARE equal but they're not the same. I think again that our society has twisted the beauty of marriage as they promote that women are the same as men. Obviously I agree that women should be treated with the same respect and importance as men and are EQUAL, but I do not think we play the same roles in relationships. By contorting the essence of manhood and womanhood, society has made women more masculine and men more feminine. This is causing massive problems in relationships, as women's innate desires to be united with someone who displays the full characteristics of what it is to be a man and for men's innate desires to be united with someone who displays the full characteristics of what it is to be a woman are not being fulfilled. Husbands need to love their wives "just as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5v25). This means that men need to be willing to give up their lives for their wives. This may not present itself literally, but it certainly means that the husband should put his own needs second and put his wife's needs before his own. This is the controversial bit: wives need to submit to their husbands "as the church submits to Christ" (Ephesians 5v24). In a perfect relationship, I see the husband: adoring his wife, wanting to please her and do what's best for her, putting his own needs aside so that she receives what she needs first, protecting her from the storms of life - all of the things that Christ does for us. In doing this as well, it means that the husband will make the decisions in the relationship and thus, become the dominant figure. BUT: this obviously does not work when the husband does not fulfill his role of being the Christ-like husband. However, when he does, the decisions made will not be tyrannical or unloving towards his wife because his desire will be to do what is best for her. A wife must also love her husband and submit to his authority. Of course I agree that if the husband is not being Christ-like and is making decisions that harm the woman, or make her become disrespected, then the wife cannot be expected to submit to him. However, in a loving relationship, reflecting our relationship with Christ, wives must respect, submit and obey their husbands. This does not at all to me seem disrespectful to women.
In comparing the roles of men and women in relationships I actually think that men have a much harder role to play then women do. I am so excited to be in this kind of relationship with someone one day, unless God has called me to a life of singleness. If this is the case, I am content that Christ is already my husband! There is so much more I want to say about this but I will leave it here for now as I'm pretty hungry and need some lunch(!) but maybe I'll come back to this another time...
I wanted to write this post at this point in my life, from the position of being single with no interest in any other man and, as far as I know (!), no interest from any other man. I know myself; I am easily swept up in this whirlwind of what I think is love because I am flattered by the attentions of men, but by writing this now, when my judgement is not clouded by any man (although perhaps I will include helpful insights from the experience I have from the relationship with my ex), I can be clear with myself about what this future relationship should look like.
I think it is important to make the distinction between the role of men and women within marriage and their roles before marriage. I do genuinely think roles change when two people get married. Genesis 2v24 says: "...a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." Ideally, before a couple are married, it is understandable and correct that they should seek advice and security from their parents rather than from each other. For me, this also means that if I was going out with someone, my family would be my priority above the guy; however, once I was married, my priorities change and I become a new family with my husband and he is prioritised above my parents. So, the model of relationship that I will talk about from now on is my idea of what marriage will look like, and whilst a lot of this stuff can be displayed in a pre-marital relationship, not all of it can be expected until marriage.
Firstly, what is marriage? What is the point in marriage at all? I am still constantly surprised when watching films or talking to friends about the world's view on marriage. In this day and age, it seems that marriage is just viewed as 'the next step' of an existing relationship, or just a traditional thing to do, or even just an excuse to have a big wedding day party. I am so glad that marriage is so much more than that, otherwise there isn't much point getting married. Ephesians 5v32 says that marriage "is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." We, the church, are the bride of Christ. In a marriage, the man is symbolic (but not the same as) Christ and the woman is symbolic of the church. Marriage is an amazing picture of how Christ loves us and our relationship with him now. By getting married, we glorify God and show his love to the world. Moreover, marriage is the (only...) place for sex where "two are united into one". God has given us sex as a gift to be enjoyed as it pleasures us and fulfills our sexual desires. I am looking forward to having sex one day as I've heard good reviews about it (ha!) and I know it is pleasing to God to have sex within a married relationship - to be intimate like that with someone who solely loves ME like I hope my husband will and who I love is going to be amazing. Obviously, this implies my views on sex outside of marriage - where I think the Bible is pretty clear that it's a no go. By bringing aspects of a married relationship into a pre-marital relationship, I can begin to see how marriage has lost its significance in our society today. I know that my "no sex outside of marriage" stance is very controversial in our world, but I stand by it as I believe this is biblical. However, of course, it is easy to get caught up in the moment - there have been many times when I've wanted to compromise my views on this and have sex before marriage. I can completely understand and relate to how people stumble with this - I'm so grateful that we serve a forgiving God - "Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgive them all" (Psalm 65v3).
As a woman myself, I'm mainly going to look at the role of women in a married relationship. I know that there is a lot of controversy surrounding this as the Bible seems to be suggesting that women are not equal in a relationship. I would argue that the Bible does suggest that men and women ARE equal but they're not the same. I think again that our society has twisted the beauty of marriage as they promote that women are the same as men. Obviously I agree that women should be treated with the same respect and importance as men and are EQUAL, but I do not think we play the same roles in relationships. By contorting the essence of manhood and womanhood, society has made women more masculine and men more feminine. This is causing massive problems in relationships, as women's innate desires to be united with someone who displays the full characteristics of what it is to be a man and for men's innate desires to be united with someone who displays the full characteristics of what it is to be a woman are not being fulfilled. Husbands need to love their wives "just as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5v25). This means that men need to be willing to give up their lives for their wives. This may not present itself literally, but it certainly means that the husband should put his own needs second and put his wife's needs before his own. This is the controversial bit: wives need to submit to their husbands "as the church submits to Christ" (Ephesians 5v24). In a perfect relationship, I see the husband: adoring his wife, wanting to please her and do what's best for her, putting his own needs aside so that she receives what she needs first, protecting her from the storms of life - all of the things that Christ does for us. In doing this as well, it means that the husband will make the decisions in the relationship and thus, become the dominant figure. BUT: this obviously does not work when the husband does not fulfill his role of being the Christ-like husband. However, when he does, the decisions made will not be tyrannical or unloving towards his wife because his desire will be to do what is best for her. A wife must also love her husband and submit to his authority. Of course I agree that if the husband is not being Christ-like and is making decisions that harm the woman, or make her become disrespected, then the wife cannot be expected to submit to him. However, in a loving relationship, reflecting our relationship with Christ, wives must respect, submit and obey their husbands. This does not at all to me seem disrespectful to women.
In comparing the roles of men and women in relationships I actually think that men have a much harder role to play then women do. I am so excited to be in this kind of relationship with someone one day, unless God has called me to a life of singleness. If this is the case, I am content that Christ is already my husband! There is so much more I want to say about this but I will leave it here for now as I'm pretty hungry and need some lunch(!) but maybe I'll come back to this another time...
Sunday, 15 May 2011
I will wait for you,
"I will wait for the Lord, more than the watchman waits for the morning." (Psalm 130 v 6)
http://theresurgence.com/2011/04/06/a-poem-for-all-single-people-pass-it-on
http://theresurgence.com/2011/04/06/a-poem-for-all-single-people-pass-it-on
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Memory Lane.
I've just been reading my diary from January 2010 (so when I was in first year at uni) and it's bringing up so many memories! It is also so interesting to read what my thoughts were and how I viewed life back then compared to now.
A lot has changed since January 2010, I feel like I've grown a lot spiritually, however there are still things (not good things) that take over my thought life.
Why do I care so much about what people think of me? Why do I give in so easily to flirting with men? Why do I get so stressed out about exams? Why do I feel angry and irritated towards some people?
Why do I just blabber on at God and not listen for His voice and wait for His Spirit to fill me?
Lord Jesus, here I am, your servant.
I will go wherever you want me to go.
I will do whatever you want me to do.
I will say whatever you want me to say.
I surrender all to You.
I'm sorry that I will break these promises to you. Thank you that you will still love me anyway. Undeservedly.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full into His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
A lot has changed since January 2010, I feel like I've grown a lot spiritually, however there are still things (not good things) that take over my thought life.
Why do I care so much about what people think of me? Why do I give in so easily to flirting with men? Why do I get so stressed out about exams? Why do I feel angry and irritated towards some people?
Why do I just blabber on at God and not listen for His voice and wait for His Spirit to fill me?
Lord Jesus, here I am, your servant.
I will go wherever you want me to go.
I will do whatever you want me to do.
I will say whatever you want me to say.
I surrender all to You.
I'm sorry that I will break these promises to you. Thank you that you will still love me anyway. Undeservedly.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full into His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
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