Behaviour.

Why do I do things the way I do? 

Why is it that I know what I need to do to feel better but I carry on doing the things that I know make me feel worse?

Stalking my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend on Facebook is not helpful. And it makes me feel rubbish. And causes me to think sinful thoughts. So surely you'd think I'd stop doing it? Yet, I get consumed by it - it's like an addiction. I compare myself with her, I wonder about all sorts of things that they'll be talking about/getting up to, I feel a selfish anger and bitterness about the whole thing.

In light of the news that my ex-boyfriend has moved on and found "my replacement", the best thing for me to do is to draw closer to God & lean on Him completely. He generousily invites me to cast all my anxieties onto Him, to give Him my burdens, to power on because HE gives me strength - only HE can restore me and He wants what is best for me - and yet, I shove it back in His face so that I can carry on doing the things that make me feel worse. Where is the sense in that?

I am a wretched fool. 



Lord, thank You that You still love me, even though I ignore You & the offer of the best life with You. I'm sorry that I'm so swayed by things of evil. Please keep me close to you. I want to walk in step with you every minute of every day. Change my heart. Give me strength. Oh, Lord, You are so merciful to me!

Things I've been learning lately.

1. Keep persevering with prayer. Be more patient for God to answer. It is not wrong to persistently pray for something. God's timing is perfect. He may not answer when we want Him to, but He knows what He is doing. Trust him in this.

2. Part of being a child of God means that God WILL call us into the desert for a season (perhaps, repeatedly). The desert is a place where I will grow in Him more than I would otherwise. Being in the desert place is not a direct correlation with my sin. 

3. Everyday, pray that God would break my heart for what breaks His so that I love people and see them more like God does. This especially is true for people I find harder to love.

4. Stop thinking individualistically. It's not about me. Think about how I can contribute to and build up His Church so that together we can "reclaim the world for His glory".

5. Do not look down on other Christians (or anyone for that matter) because they're not living a life that is pleasing to God. Instead, recognise that I am also a sinner - the biggest of them all and in light of that, love them, understand God loves them more and rebuke them in love if necessary. 

6. Enjoy who I am. I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139). God has made me who I am and has placed me where I am for His glory.

Identity.

My identity in Christ is...

- I am utterly helpless, a sinner BUT dearly loved and saved. I am right in God's sight and have been reconciled to God through Christ. (Romans 5 v 5-11: "And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.")

- I have been freed from my sinful nature. I am an heir of God, a co-heir with Christ, adopted, loved by the Spirit of God, a child of God. I am not a slave to fear. I will be glorified with Christ and will share in His sufferings. (Romans 8 v 12-17: "Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are childrenof God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.")

- I will be like Christ. I am born of God, lavished with love, righteous, purified, hopeful, confident and unashamed of Christ. (1 John 2 v 28 - 3 v 3: "And now, dear children, remain in fellowship with Christ so that when he returns, you will be full of courage and not shrink back from him in shame. Since we know that Christ is righteous, we also know that all who do what is right are God’s children. See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know him. Dear friends, we are already God’s children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is. And all who have this eager expectation will keep themselves pure, just as he is pure.")

- I will live forever! (John 11 v 25-27: "Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.")

- I am called by God. I am united in the body, so I am not alone. The Spirit binds us together with peace. (Ephesians 4 v 1-6: "Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all.")

- I am ransomed, redeemed, crowned with everlasting joy, filled with gladness. (Isaiah 35 v 8-10: "And a great road will go through that once deserted land. It will be named the Highway of Holiness. Evil-minded people will never travel on it. It will be only for those who walk in God’s ways; fools will never walk there. Lions will not lurk along its course, nor any other ferocious beasts. There will be no other dangers. Only the redeemed will walk on it. Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.")

- I am in partnership with God and other people. I am intimately known by God. I am an ambassador of God, telling Christ's message and not my own. I feel compelled to tell others about Jesus. I am a new creation. My sins are not counted against me. I have become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5 v 11 - 6 v 2: too long to write out but look it up!)

- I am chosen, holy, royal. I am God's treasured possession. I have been called into His wonderful light. I have received mercy. (1 Peter 2 v 9-10: "But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. “Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God’s people. Once you received no mercy; now you have received God’s mercy.”")

- I am loved by the Father and kept in the safe care of Jesus. (Jude 1v1: "I am writing to all who have been called by God the Father, who loves you and keeps you safe in the care of Jesus Christ.")

It is by God's grace and when my identity is found in Christ that I am these things! Amen!

PDA.

This is going to be a little off-topic compared to my normal posts, but as some of my friends know, this is something I feel strongly about so I thought I'd have a little rant about it on here.  I know as well that I'm very extreme with my views on this so please look at this light-heartedly and feel free to disagree! I also just want to say before I start, that I'm not just having these views as a single woman, but I felt just as strongly about this when I was in a relationship.

The issue: 
PDA (Public Displays of Affection)

I really feel (and I will definitely apply this in my own future relationship with a guy) that when a couple are coming together to meet friends, they have chosen to spend that time with their friends as well as each other. Therefore, sitting on each other's laps, kissing, holding hands, having their own private conversations - I just think that that is disgusting for everybody else to see and it's just massively inappropriate. I can understand, especially if the relationship is pretty new, that the couple may feel they want to always be touching each other or whatever; however, if they could just take a step-back for a minute and imagine what it's like for all the single people in the room, or the girls whose boyfriends are not there, to see their PDAs being rubbed in their faces and how they would feel about that. Unhelpful. And just a bit rude, really. I know that PDA couples don't mean to hurt other people but sometimes if they could just employ a bit of empathy, then they would avoid this altogether. Moreover, if the couple are glued together at the hip all the time, they are not developing their friendships with other people in the room - they are not giving up their time to solely listen to other friends. The group dynamics work out that the rest of the room refer to the couple that are sitting so close together that they look like one person as just that: one inseperable being. The individuals within this PDA couple are not being known for who they are. We all have seperate identities, we are all unique - I want to know both these people as individuals and not think of them as "oh that's just so-and-so's boyfriend/girlfriend". 

Of course, there are some times when PDAs are more appropriate than others. For example, if a couple was on a double date, or in a room full of couples, then that might be acceptable to hold hands or give the occasional quick kiss to my other half, but I still think I'd prefer to speak to all the members of the group and get to know them as individuals. Similarly, if I was meeting my boyfriend's friends for the first time, then I might appreciate sitting/standing next to him although I hope that I'd be able to seperate from him quickly and hold my own in the room, so that his friends could know me for who I am and not just think of me as just their mate's girlfriend. 

I recently went on a coastal walk along the South Devon coast from Lympstone Village to Topsham (it's beautiful if you're ever in the area). I was going to go with my two male friends, when at the last minute they both brought their girlfriends. I thought it'd be fine. And one of the couples in particular were really aware of how I might feel a bit of a fifth wheel and were good at allowing me to talk to them a bit. The other couple however... I didn't see them at all - it was like they were on their own private walk, even when I turned to try and talk to them they didn't make it easy to do that to do at all. I didn't get to know this friend's girlfriend at all because they only had eyes for each other. It was unbelievable. 

Anyway, I probably sound very angry in this post - sorry about that...I just feel strongly about this!

Role-play.

As you may have guessed from previous posts, I often think about romantic relationships. I look forward to a time when I will be meeting my husband-to-be. Being recently single, obviously I am nowhere near ready for anything right now, but I often wonder what it will be like when I meet my husband, if that is God's will, and how God wants romantic relationships to be like. 

I wanted to write this post at this point in my life, from the position of being single with no interest in any other man and, as far as I know (!), no interest from any other man. I know myself; I am easily swept up in this whirlwind of what I think is love because I am flattered by the attentions of men, but by writing this now, when my judgement is not clouded by any man (although perhaps I will include helpful insights from the experience I have from the relationship with my ex), I can be clear with myself about what this future relationship should look like.

I think it is important to make the distinction between the role of men and women within marriage and their roles before marriage. I do genuinely think roles change when two people get married. Genesis 2v24 says: "...a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." Ideally, before a couple are married, it is understandable and correct that they should seek advice and security from their parents rather than from each other. For me, this also means that if I was going out with someone, my family would be my priority above the guy; however, once I was married, my priorities change and I become a new family with my husband and he is prioritised above my parents. So, the model of relationship that I will talk about from now on is my idea of what marriage will look like, and whilst a lot of this stuff can be displayed in a pre-marital relationship, not all of it can be expected until marriage.


Firstly, what is marriage? What is the point in marriage at all? I am still constantly surprised when watching films or talking to friends about the world's view on marriage. In this day and age, it seems that marriage is just viewed as 'the next step' of an existing relationship, or just a traditional thing to do, or even just an excuse to have a big wedding day party. I am so glad that marriage is so much more than that, otherwise there isn't much point getting married. Ephesians 5v32 says that marriage "is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." We, the church, are the bride of Christ. In a marriage, the man is symbolic (but not the same as) Christ and the woman is symbolic of the church. Marriage is an amazing picture of how Christ loves us and our relationship with him now. By getting married, we glorify God and show his love to the world. Moreover, marriage is the (only...) place for sex where "two are united into one". God has given us sex as a gift to be enjoyed as it pleasures us and fulfills our sexual desires. I am looking forward to having sex one day as I've heard good reviews about it (ha!) and I know it is pleasing to God to have sex within a married relationship - to be intimate like that with someone who solely loves ME like I hope my husband will and who I love is going to be amazing. Obviously, this implies my views on sex outside of marriage - where I think the Bible is pretty clear that it's a no go. By bringing aspects of a married relationship into a pre-marital relationship, I can begin to see how marriage has lost its significance in our society today. I know that my "no sex outside of marriage" stance is very controversial in our world, but I stand by it as I believe this is biblical. However, of course, it is easy to get caught up in the moment - there have been many times when I've wanted to compromise my views on this and have sex before marriage. I can completely understand and relate to how people stumble with this - I'm so grateful that we serve a forgiving God - "Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgive them all" (Psalm 65v3).

As a woman myself, I'm mainly going to look at the role of women in a married relationship. I know that there is a lot of controversy surrounding this as the Bible seems to be suggesting that women are not equal in a relationship. I would argue that the Bible does suggest that men and women ARE equal but they're not the same. I think again that our society has twisted the beauty of marriage as they promote that women are the same as men. Obviously I agree that women should be treated with the same respect and importance as men and are EQUAL, but I do not think we play the same roles in relationships. By contorting the essence of manhood and womanhood, society has made women more masculine and men more feminine. This is causing massive problems in relationships, as women's innate desires to be united with someone who displays the full characteristics of what it is to be a man and for men's innate desires to be united with someone who displays the full characteristics of what it is to be a woman are not being fulfilled. Husbands need to love their wives "just as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5v25). This means that men need to be willing to give up their lives for their wives. This may not present itself literally, but it certainly means that the husband should put his own needs second and put his wife's needs before his own. This is the controversial bit: wives need to submit to their husbands "as the church submits to Christ" (Ephesians 5v24). In a perfect relationship, I see the husband: adoring his wife, wanting to please her and do what's best for her, putting his own needs aside so that she receives what she needs first, protecting her from the storms of life - all of the things that Christ does for us. In doing this as well, it means that the husband will make the decisions in the relationship and thus, become the dominant figure. BUT: this obviously does not work when the husband does not fulfill his role of being the Christ-like husband. However, when he does, the decisions made will not be tyrannical or unloving towards his wife because his desire will be to do what is best for her. A wife must also love her husband and submit to his authority. Of course I agree that if the husband is not being Christ-like and is making decisions that harm the woman, or make her become disrespected, then the wife cannot be expected to submit to him. However, in a loving relationship, reflecting our relationship with Christ, wives must respect, submit and obey their husbands. This does not at all to me seem disrespectful to women.

In comparing the roles of men and women in relationships I actually think that men have a much harder role to play then women do. I am so excited to be in this kind of relationship with someone one day, unless God has called me to a life of singleness. If this is the case, I am content that Christ is already my husband! There is so much more I want to say about this but I will leave it here for now as I'm pretty hungry and need some lunch(!) but maybe I'll come back to this another time...

I will wait for you,

"I will wait for the Lord, more than the watchman waits for the morning." (Psalm 130 v 6)

http://theresurgence.com/2011/04/06/a-poem-for-all-single-people-pass-it-on

Memory Lane.

I've just been reading my diary from January 2010 (so when I was in first year at uni) and it's bringing up so many memories! It is also so interesting to read what my thoughts were and how I viewed life back then compared to now.

A lot has changed since January 2010, I feel like I've grown a lot spiritually, however there are still things (not good things) that take over my thought life. 

Why do I care so much about what people think of me? Why do I give in so easily to flirting with men? Why do I get so stressed out about exams? Why do I feel angry and irritated towards some people? 


Why do I just blabber on at God and not listen for His voice and wait for His Spirit to fill me?


Lord Jesus, here I am, your servant. 
I will go wherever you want me to go. 
I will do whatever you want me to do. 
I will say whatever you want me to say.
I surrender all to You.

I'm sorry that I will break these promises to you. Thank you that you will still love me anyway.  Undeservedly.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full into His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

This heavy heart.

The question that's been replaying itself over and over again in my head over the last few week or so has been: "God, will I feel like this forever?"

Of course, I know the answer is "no" but in the midst of all this, it's hard to believe it. My heart is heavy with grief and guilt. My mind is pre-occupied with this relationship break-up. It hurts. 

I feel lonely, even though my friends have been wonderful and have surrounded me. 

I feel guilty, even though I know that the decision was the right one and the kindest one in the long term.

I feel depressed, even though there is much to be joyful about.

I AM CLOSE TO YOU.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." (Psalm 34 v 18)

I feel like lots of people hate me, that they are against me.

I AM CLOSE TO YOU.
"If God is for us, who can ever be against us?" (Romans 8 v 31)


I am scared of the future.


I AM CLOSE TO YOU
"For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go." (Psalm 91 v 11)

Thank you, Jesus.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

"...the trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate...I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway...I have discovered this principle of life - that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong...Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord..." ~ Romans 7 v 14-25

I can definitely relate to Paul's struggles here. I often find the same thoughts going round and round my head: I know what I do is wrong, but I carry on doing it anyway. I feel at the moment that God is really showing me how much of a wretched sinner I am. This might seem like an unloving thing for God to do but I am starting to realise how infinitely important it is that He is doing this for me. How can I understand fully the huge-ness of the sacrifice that Jesus made for me without recognising the full extent of my sin - my need for him? Yes, it's important not to dwell on our faults, Jesus has freed us from our sin and he "no longer counts people's sins against them" (2 Corinthians 5 v 19) - but, it is important to understand how small we are to understand God's greatness and to realise his truly amazing love for us! Mark 2 v 17 says "Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners." I was in massive need of a Saviour - and I received Him!

A friend sent me a sermon from 1844 spoken by a man called Charles Finney called "Blessed are the poor in spirit". Finney speaks so honestly and beautifully about the struggles with sin. Here is the last paragraph, which encouraged me so much:

"These seasons of spiritual poverty are indispensable to holding on to Christ. See a young convert--young converts know little of themselves or of Christ. They run well for a time, but they must be taught more of Christ, and this they can learn only by learning more of themselves. Well, Christ begins the work in a soul. The convert was all joy, but his countenance falls. Poor child! do not scold him. He is sad; he dares hardly indulge a hope. What is the matter? He desponds. You encourage him to trust in Christ and rejoice in him. But no, that will not serve the turn, that does not remove the load. Christ has undertaken a work with him--has set about revealing him to himself, and the work will cost the poor soul many prayers, and tears, and groans, and searchings and loathings of heart. He prayed before for sanctification and he is astonished out of measure. He receives any thing in the world but sanctification. He prayed for the Baptism of the Holy Ghost, and he verily expected some beatific sight. He thought he should see the heavens opened as Stephen did. But instead of this, what a state! He seems given over to the tender mercies of sin. Every appetite and lust is clamorous as a fiend; his passions get the mastery; he frets, and grieves, and vexes himself, and repents and sins again; he is shocked, ashamed of himself, afraid to look up, is ashamed and confounded. Poor thing! he prayed to be sanctified, and he expected Christ would smile right through the darkness, and light up his soul with unutterable joy. But no! it is all confusion and darkness. He is stumbling, and sliding, and floundering, and plunging headlong into the mire, till his own clothes abhor him, and he is brought to cry--"Lord, O Lord, have mercy on me!" He expected--O what a fairy land! and he finds--what a desert--barren, dark, full of traps, and gins, and pitfalls; as it were the very earth conspiring with all things else, to ruin him. Child, be not disheartened; Christ is answering your prayer. Cold professors may discourage you, but be not discouraged; you may weep and groan, but you are going through a necessary process. To know Christ, you must know yourself; to have Christ come in, you must be emptied of yourself. How will he so this for you? If you would but let go of self--if you would but believe all that God says of you, and renounce yourself at first and at once, you might be spared many a fall; but you will not, you will believe only upon experience, and hence that experience Christ makes sure that you shall have to the full. And now, mark: whoever expects to be sanctified without a full and clear and heart-sickening revelation of his own loathsomeness, without being first shown how much he needs it, is very much mistaken. Till you have learned that, nothing you can do can avail aught; you are not prepared to receive Christ as he is offered in the gospel."

Pizza and Grace

I had dinner with a good friend on Wednesday night (Pizza Express - yum!) and we very quickly started talking about deeper things; the things that matter. I just love being able to do that with friends! 

Anyway, it soon became clear that we were both struggling with feeling like we weren't doing enough for God - we weren't reading our Bibles enough, we had little desire to go forth and spread the Good News, we sinned and knew we were sinning and carried on sinning. We just felt we were failing God. 

Together though we began to work things out. We started talking about grace. Then later on that evening we watched a DVD by Louie Giglio called 'Fruitcake and Ice-cream' (I'd definitely recommend it!) and we were just reminded again about God's amazing grace! 

So Louie Giglio directed us to 2 Corinthians 5:21: "For God made Christ who had no sin to be sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." Then he said, "What did YOU do in that passage?..."

"...Absolutely nothing!"

It is only by grace we have been saved!

Home.

There's no place like home.

I've had an odd couple of weeks at uni. Maybe an odd couple of months. It's left me feeling exhausted and emotionally (and physically) unwell. It's difficult to put my finger on what's making me feel low but whatever it is, God is teaching me so many things through this time.

God has blessed me with gifts that I want to use for His glory and not for my own. I am so grateful to Him for giving me these gifts, but I know I often use them wrongly. I often use them so that people will like me. I often use them so that the world will think I'm a "good" person and won't see the goodness of our God. I even use them in such a way that it actually does me more harm than good. How can I be effective in using my gifts to bless people and glorify His name if I'm making myself unwell in the process?

I know I probably sound really vague here; I hope I will soon be able to look back at this time, when the fog has lifted, and understand what's wrong with me. My mind has been in a vague state for a while now. I can't make sense of my thoughts. I'm not coherant. I often just feel utterly helpless and want to give up.

And then God speaks words of encouragement to me. Just a few hours ago, a good friend of mine pointed me towards Hebrews 10 v 23: "Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise." What a faithful God we serve! I may feel like I've lost hope, like I don't know where God is in my circumstances. But "God can be trusted to keep His promise!" He has promised that He will come again and rescue us from our present troubles. He has promised His Holy Spirit to rest among us, giving us strength and building us up in Him. He has promised that He holds us close and will never let go.

And now I've come home and can just rest. What a blessing! Thank you God for my family!

Testimony.

So, I was asked to say my testimony at the student group at my church and so I thought I'd write it on here too - hopefully it will encourage and edify people...

The thought of telling my testimony to other people often grips me with fear. I think this is mainly because I've heard so many other people's testimonies where God seems to be really BIG. There are people who have been suffering horrible illnesses and been on death's door and God has healed them; there are people who have led a life so far away from God's plan, they have been enticed into a spiral of drugs, sex and depression, yet the Holy Spirit has convicted them and they've turned their lives around; and then there are others, who have had a pretty safe life, nothing too exciting has happened and yet they still trust the same God that healed the sick person and convicted the drug abuser and sex addict. I fit into the category of the latter. I am so grateful to God that I've never experienced anything so horrible in my life - my parents are Christians, they love me unconditionally, I've been set an amazing example of living for Christ with my Grandma. However, in regards to my saying my testimony, my initial thoughts always consist along the lines of: "they won't find it very exciting, I don't think they'd be interested." But, the more I think about it, I realise that although I haven't been dramatically healed physically, nor did I use to be a hard drug user but then "saw the light" (not that there's anything wrong with those testimonies - God can do all that and it's amazing when he does), God has still done amazing things in me, even if they seem small in comparison to other people's stories. He's changed my heart, He's carried me through the desert - through times when I've just felt spiritually empty - restoring my soul, and he's given my life purpose. So I warn you in advance, this story isn't going to be a particuarly dramatic rollercoaster of a story, but I hope and pray that you will find it encouraging, nonetheless.

I could go on for hours about how God's been working in my life but I'm mainly going to focus on one stage of my spiritual journey, which was when I was in Year 8.

Before I tell you about that though, I want to say one little story. Now this may sound rather strange but I'm going to say it anyway...I want to tell you about my birth! I strongly believe that God does not make mistakes - God did not screw up when He made each one of us. There is no mistake that we are alive and even here today. I believe that God has given everyone a purpose and there is an amazing reason why we even exist. I often forget this truth, but I find re-telling the story of my birth just speaks volumes of God's promises and His faithfulness!

So, the morning before I was born, my dad was doing his Bible reading and the verse he was directed to read was Psalm 118 v 17: "I will not die but live to tell of what the Lord has done." At the time, my dad didn't particuarly think about the meaning of that verse - he had other things to be thinking about - he was about to be a dad for the first time! My mum had had an uneventful pregnancy with no complications. A few hours later, my mum went into labour and things started getting complicated. Somehow, I'd managed to get myself tangled up with the umbilical cord and - trying not to be too graphic now! - the more my mum pushed, the tighter the cord got round my neck; I was slowly strangling myself. When I was finally born, I wasn't breathing.

Some of you more medically-minded people may know that two minutes after a baby is born, the midwives/doctors/whoever do, what's called, an APGAR test to see how healthy the baby is. They look at really basic things like: 'are they breathing?', 'do they have a normal skin colour?', 'do they have a pulse?' and you get given a score out of ten. Most babies easily score ten out of ten. It's not particuarly difficult.

I got 2/10...

...low scores right from the beginning!! They thought I wasn't going to make it when God suddenly reminded my dad of the verse he'd read that morning: "I WILL NOT die, but LIVE to tell of what the Lord has done." As you can see, I didn't die. I don't know why I didn't because I should have. But God doesn't make mistakes. There is a reason why I didn't die then. God knew me before I was conceived and has a plan for my life. 

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."   ~ Psalm 139 v 13-16

Praise God!

So, fast-forward a decade: I went to church, Sunday School, youth groups, gave my life to Christ properly after doing a Topz Bible Study in my bedroom when I was 8 years old finally starting to comprehend what signficance Jesus' sacrifice meant for me. Things were pretty good. 

Then Year 8 happened.

I went to an all girls school and loved it. I had a great group of friends at the beginning of the year and we had loads of banter so I looked forward to going to school every morning. One day, two other girls in my class started hanging out with us in our "friendship group". They seemed nice enough and we got on well. However, for some reason, they decided that they didn't like this other girl in my class simply because, in their eyes, she wasn't very 'cool'. They said and did some really cruel things to her, to her face and behind her back. This girl had been made in the image of God and was loved deeply by Him - she did not deserve this. To my shame, I did not say anything about the bullying for weeks and weeks. I didn't join in, I just stayed silent. If I'm honest, I cared more about what these girls would think of me more than what God thinks and his desire that this girl be treated with love and friendship, just as he treats us. Eventually, I couldn't stand the Holy Spirit convicting me anymore and felt that I had to say something. As I was still a massive coward, I couldn't say it to their face but I wrote them a letter explaining how I thought it wasn't very nice of them to be like that and would they please stop it.

Good news: the girl stopped being bullied.

What I wasn't fully expecting was the cold reception I received from them because of that letter. They wrote me back a letter outlining every detail they didn't like about me - my looks, my personality, my actions - and tried to get lots of people to sign it, they called me names, they spread nasty rumours about me and they turned some of my friends away from me. 

I'm generally a pretty sensitive person so I should have felt alone, rejected and insecure. And if I'm honest, I did feel that quite a bit. Yet, at the same time, I felt the most-powerful, surpassing presence of God with me, reminding me of who HE says I am, comforting me when I let the girls' words affect me, giving me strength to keep on praising him and rejoicing in His love even when I felt battered and bruised from the lies that were being thrown at me from every angle. He protected me from their slander and all I wanted to do was rejoice! If God was on my side, who could ever stand against me?! I would be sitting alone in the classroom with no friends, I would hear my old friends laughing at me loudly enough so I would hear, and I would just feel my Father holding me close in His arms, sheltering me from the storm. The main thing I felt sad about was the fact that these girls did not know their Creator and their Saviour. It broke my heart. God helped me to love my enemies. 

This experience led me to want to show my faith publically so I decided I wanted to be baptised. I really felt God wanted me to invite one of the girls that had been particuarly nasty and at first I resisted this because I wanted to not have her laughing at me at my own baptism, for goodness sake! After a while though, I just asked her and she came along and heard my testimony (where I quickly skimmed over how I was having a hard time at school and God was helping me through it), she heard the Gospel and then saw me being baptised. 

After the service, she came up to me and apologised. At that moment, I was reminded of the great sacrifice God made for us. He has shown me so much grace and forgiveness that we don't deserve and he did it without hesitation because He loves us. How could I not show this girl a little bit of forgiveness and grace, when Jesus had lavished it on me? It was difficult, but with the help of God (I needed a lot of it), I forgave her - and oh! forgiveness is the most liberating and freeing feeling!

Still now, I struggle with worrying about what other people think of me and I have to constantly remind myself that my life has a purpose and that God loves me and His opinion is the only one that matters!

Beginnings.

"The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace" ~ Psalm 29 v 11

We are the pinnacles of God's creation! He made the beautiful sunsets, the majestic mountains and the glittering stars, yet he thinks we are more beautiful than that. Our minds control what we think of ourselves. Our feelings lie to us about who we are. His mercies are new everyday. He will never stop calling your name and his voice never falters. Oh the joys of calling him 'Lord' and 'Friend'!

He calls us to know him in fullness.

He is for you, even when everyone is against you.

"You are precious, you are honoured and I love you" ~ Isaiah 43 v 4